I Just Wanted to Be Loved by Stuart Howarth

Author:Stuart Howarth [Howarth, Stuart]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-00-731956-5
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2007-01-15T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Fifteen

HOUSECLEANING THE SOUL

The front hallway of Castle Craig had leather Chesterfield sofas and huge oil paintings of deer against Highland lochs and moors. It felt big and grand, almost like a museum.

‘They'll be out to see you in just a moment,’ a lady told me in a soft Scottish brogue.

We sat on a sofa and I studied the paintings to try and calm my nerves. They'd told us that my acceptance on the programme would be subject to a preliminary interview and I got worried that maybe they'd say ‘no’ after we'd come all that way.

In fact, the interview was quite short. A doctor asked me why I was there and what I hoped to get out of my stay, and I cried and said: ‘I want help to sort my life out. I've got so many issues I don't know where to start. I know I have to go deeper than I've gone before and get out everything that's inside me or it's not going to work.’

‘All right,’ the doctor said. ‘We'll try to help you do that.’

Geoff went off to sort out the finances, then came back in to give me a hug, and that's it – he was off. It felt like the first day I went to prison and heard the door slamming shut behind me, locking me in. Looking out of the doctor's window I saw Geoff's car disappearing down the drive, and I just wanted to leap up and run after him. I had a huge lump in my throat and could hardly trust myself to speak.

The doctor took some blood tests but there were no drugs in my system because I hadn't had anything for a week or so. ‘That's good,’ he said. ‘We don't need to detox you first. I don't want you on any medication at all. You'll go straight into primary care for your first week. I know you've done it twice before at the Priory but I want you to do it again here before we take you on to the secondary care programme.’

‘Do you mean I have to do Steps One to Four again?’

‘You obviously didn't do a great job of them before, did you? Yes, everyone who comes here needs to start from the beginning. Now, before I send you upstairs, I want you to open your bag and turn out all your pockets.’

I was used to the search for contraband and certainly didn't have any drink or drugs with me.

‘Will I have a room to myself?’ I asked. ‘It's just that I have problems sharing with strangers because of my abuse issues. I don't like being that close to another man.’

‘Most people sleep in dormitories but given the circumstances we'll let you have your own room,’ he agreed.

I was taken upstairs and shown to a small room, with just a bed, wardrobe, bedside cabinet, a lamp and a copy of the Bible. ‘Hey, where's the TV?’ I wondered, but didn't say anything. This regime was already looking as though it would be quite different from that at the Priory.

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